In the past I’ve encouraged people to ask questions “out loud” (in public, to a group). I’m rethinking that advice.

Yes, sharing information in public helps others learn. We can get better answers faster by including more people. If we ask on something like Slack, the question and answer may become searchable. I do think it helps establish group norms of helping each other. And people answering can build their reputations.

But I’m underestimating just how hard it can be to ask.

What makes asking hard?

Think back to a time when you didn’t know something, and you considered asking a group for help. (Maybe yesterday!) Perhaps an unfamiliar topic came up in a meeting. Maybe you were trying to fix a problem, and you weren’t sure what to do next. Or maybe you needed some information, but you had no idea where to find it.

If you couldn’t bring yourself to ask others “out loud,” what blocked you?

Thinking of what has blocked me in the past:

• Worry that others will judge me for not knowing something that (it seems) they all know.
• Having received (or seen others receive) rude, impatient, or unhelpful responses to questions in the past. Or no response at all.
• If I’m new, I might still be establishing my reputation, or I might still be figuring out group norms.
• If I’m more experienced, I might imagine others questioning whether I’m worthy of my title after all.

And yep, being the only woman in the room (which I have been many, many times) makes it harder, especially if people don’t yet know me. I’ve worked with people who have been condescending until I’ve proven myself to their satisfaction. It’s hard to draw a card when you know the deck is stacked against you.

Is asking even safe?

Asking might even be unsafe. For example, consider someone who knows that their manager’s boss is on the group Slack chat where they want to ask the question. Could asking make them seem less knowledgeable than their peers? Does it put them at risk of being included in the next layoff?

Psychological safety is also not necessarily a shared experience - what I see as a safe environment might not be safe for someone else, even if we’re in the same role on the same team. Race, gender, age, seniority at the company—these are only a few factors that may make the same situation safe for one person and not for another.

In my previous post, I told the story of Nick, my colleague who demonstrated that it was safe to ask questions on our team. But let’s take a closer look at that.

Nick was in a very comfortable spot. White, male, of a similar age to others on the team, seniority in the group and at the company, holding a high rank technical title… he had just about everything I can think of aligned in his favor. Maybe it wasn’t so risky or daunting for him to ask a question.

It still helped teach me that it wasn’t against group norms to ask a question of the boss or admit to not knowing something in front of one’s peers.

And it definitely broke with the cultural norm of the company, which was: “when you have a tough question, identify who is likely to know, and ask them privately.” Insert eyeroll here.

“Ask privately” is a little easier than asking a group, but it’s still problematic. New people don’t know who to ask, so they first have to ask someone who to ask. Then they may have to interrupt a busy stranger to ask for help, which is daunting. Meanwhile, subject matter experts get interrupted a lot and answer the same questions over and over. And everyone winds up stuck when the one person who can help is not available.

How can we make asking “out loud” easier?

Photo by Foto Hane on Unsplash

We’re going to still need to ask each other questions. So how can we address the barriers to make it safer and easier to ask “out loud”?

We’ve talked about what keeps us from asking. But think of a time when you did ask others, in public. How did you know it was okay to do that?

Questions are handled with kindness

When I look back on situations where I chose to admit not knowing something, it’s often seeing how others have been treated, especially people who are similar to me, that helps me feel safe. Kind and helpful answers, patience, and appreciation (“great question,” or “thanks for asking”) help establish a space as safe.

It’s great when people try to help each other, even if they don’t know the answer. That reassures me that my question might not simply go unanswered if nobody is sure of the answer.

And colleagues who gently intervene if someone reacts to a question with annoyance help establish the group norms of responding kindly. If a question seems odd, the response is curiosity, rather than rushing to criticism and judgment. “Say more about what you mean by that,” for example. I had a colleague who was known for his strange questions. Sometimes he was just confused, but sometimes he was the only one seeing a significant issue the rest of us completely missed. We learned to respond to him with curiosity!

It’s great when others chime in when questions are asked. “I was wondering that too,” can help the person who asked the question feel less alone. Once, during a meeting, I admitted to not knowing something, and several other senior people in the room gave giant sighs of relief. One said: “I thought I was the only one who didn’t know that!”

Questions are explicitly welcomed

It also helps to have indicators that questions are welcome and what kinds of questions are appropriate. A clear message, guidance about appropriate topics, or brief documentation can reassure me I’m in the right place. For example: “Not sure where to ask? Start here!” or “For questions about A, B, or C, ask on our team channel,” or “Check out our Frequently Asked Questions. Still confused? Ask here.”

Having a dedicated time or space for questions, such as office hours, can help make it clear that questions are welcome and expected.

In meetings and presentations, the end of the session is ostensibly that “dedicated time” for questions, but it’s often not handled in a welcoming way. I appreciate speakers who outright solicit questions at the end of a presentation. For example, the presenter might say, “I know that was a lot. What questions do you have?”

And it’s rare for presenters to leave enough time and silence for questions to arise. I once saw a technical demo for developers where the presenter asked for questions. When there were none right away, he waited. Someone asked a question, which he cheerfully answered, but then the room fell silent.

He did something I hadn’t seen before and haven’t seen since. He just let the silence continue. Every now and then, he’d say something to let us know he was still welcoming questions. But he didn’t make any move to end the meeting. I was enthralled. I had never seen anyone do this.

Finally, one of the quieter developers asked a question. He cheerfully answered that question. Then another developer who rarely spoke in large groups asked a question. Then another. He’d let the silence go on long enough that they truly had the chance to reflect, to phrase their questions, to work up the courage to speak, to be sure he wasn’t in a hurry to leave… whatever the need might have been. The friendly approach and the willingness to just wait made it a safe place for the quietest among us to speak up. It was magical.

A smaller safe space can be a stepping stone

Sometimes it’s just easier to ask questions of a small set of trusted colleagues rather than in a larger forum. Similarly, manager-free spaces (or spaces where everyone is at your level) can be places to build trust with a smaller subset of people.

This might eventually help in a larger setting. When you’ve been talking with five trusted colleagues privately in a small group, and you know four of them are active in the larger group, you might trust that one of them will respond. You could even arrange it ahead of time! “If I ask that in the public channel, would you answer me there?” Knowing that you will have some support can make it safer to show up.

What I’m learning

I still think that asking questions in public is great, when you can do it. If it’s just a matter of feeling a little uncomfortable, challenge yourself to ask anyway. Getting past the initial discomfort and finding that you get support can make it easier for you to ask next time.

But if it’s just too intimidating or too unsafe to ask “out loud”, I get it. I hope you can still find a way to ask.

And as great as asking questions in public can be, I’m no longer seeing it as the best way to establish safety in the group. Just because it’s safe for one person, especially someone like Nick who might already have the respect of the group, that may not do much to convince others it’s safe.

Fortunately, there are other options. We can be thoughtful and kind about how we handle questions. We can explicitly welcome questions and give people time, space, and direction to guide them. And we can establish smaller spaces as ways to build trust.

Okay, your turn: What else can we do to make it easier and safer for people to ask questions in group settings? What have people tried, and how did it work out?

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