People say that networking is important. Does this mean you should attend networking events?

I say no.

Not that these events are completely useless, but I think there are better ways of building your network.

Granted, it’s possible that I’ve just been attending the wrong networking events. For example, an image search is giving me stuff like this:

These people have wine. This is clearly more upscale than most networking events I’ve attended.

Portrait of a networking event

For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, or if it’s been a while, allow me to illustrate. Here’s how networking events have been for me:

Some organization hosts an event, and you sign up. Regardless of what time the event is, it always intersects with your dinner time. Too early to eat before, too late to eat after.

The event is in the city. Public transit will force you to arrive either awkwardly early or embarrassingly late. Or, you drive, parking next to a tow zone that probably doesn’t include your car. Fingers crossed.

You find the building and follow a sign. It does look like the photo above. There’s wine, and you see a beautiful hot buffet. Sadly, this is not your event.

Eventually you find your space. If you’re early, the organizers are still setting up, and nobody will arrive until after event start time. However, if you’re late, the event will start on time and you’ll walk into a crowd already engaged in conversations.

Either way, there’s food, but it’s definitely not dinner.

You grab a soda and look around. Perhaps there is a speaker, a presentation, or a panel discussion. Maybe there are icebreaker games. Both of these things are useful, as we’ll see shortly, so don’t tune them out.

The dreaded small talk

You “mingle,” going outside your comfort zone to introduce yourself to strangers. Small talk of the smallest possible variety ensues. You’re determined to remember people’s names and interests, a noble and unattainable goal.

If you’re lucky, the speakers or icebreakers can help you start a conversation. If not, here’s a typical conversation:

“So, did you enjoy the presentation?”

“Yeah, I thought it was interesting.”

You each take a sip of your soda, trying to think something, anything, interesting to say next, but your minds go blank.

“What do you do with your time?” you ask in a way that you hope is still welcoming if the person is not working.

“I work as a [job you’re not familiar with] at [company you’ve never heard of].”

As a charming and engaging conversationalist, you think of the perfect response to turn this into an interesting conversation.

But you think of that on your way home. In the moment, you say:

“Oh. That sounds nice.”

You both stare at your half-eaten paper plates of food.

“Hey, I’m gonna grab another soda, it was nice meeting you.”

Whew, an exit.

Who do networking events work for?

Nobody seems to want to be there, with two exceptions:

The event hosts

Friendly and chatty, the event hosts will make you feel welcome for about two minutes before they are called away to set up a microphone or replenish the cookies.

That one person

There always seems to be one slightly creepy person who will corner you and talk for 20 minutes about something you can’t follow. You ask them what they thought of the speaker, whose talk was about web design, and they say something like:

“I thought it was interesting but using excessively flat AI versus potential with code barriers isn’t effective in a strategic environment unless you have strong data prevention, right?”

… Uh. What? None of that makes any sense. Did they watch the same presenter you did? Asking questions only makes this person more confusing.

After a while it sounds like they are either trying to prove that they are smarter than you are or they are gearing up to ask you for something that will make you uncomfortable, like a job recommendation, a date, or an investment in their sketchy startup. Fortunately, someone else finally joins the conversation, (“hey, how’s it going? what’d you think of the speaker?”) which will allow you to make an escape while the person starts talking about “excessively flat AI” again. ???

At the end, you’ll feel a little queasy from having pushed yourself to be social with strangers, fretting about the commute home, and eating a dinner of pale raw veggies and dip, pepper jack cheese cubes, and mediocre cookies.

And you’ll have “met” a few people who, regardless of whether you connect with them on social media or not, you’ll be unlikely to ever see again.

Let’s ditch these events

I mean… I guess a networking event like this does have its benefits:

• The speakers might be interesting.
• You could make a contact. I made a contact once. I told a speaker that I enjoyed her talk. We didn’t keep in touch. But we later wound up working at the same company, and she somehow remembered me.
• You get practice making (and escaping) conversation with strangers in awkward situations, which will come in handy at friends’ weddings, the neighbor’s cookout, etc.
• All the free celery and veggie dip you can eat.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with attending these events. Go if the topic or the organization interests you.

But this isn’t your best bet for building your network.

How to do networking better

I could write a whole blog post about each of these…

• Reach out to colleagues whose work intersects with yours. See how you can help. Some people reading know that I do this, because I met you this way 🙂
• Find people whose work interests you. Do you have questions for them that you can’t just answer with a quick web search?
• Work on something together. Volunteering, intramural sports, organizing an event, working on a committee… Something where you talk to each other, not just sit next to each other.
• Help others. Answer questions, or if you don’t know the answer, see what you can do to help. Even if you can’t help and the other person is still stuck, at least they aren’t stuck and alone.
• Join the conversation. Do you read social media or blogs of people in your field, especially people who have an audience small enough that real conversations can happen? Respond to someone whose comments got you thinking. Add something new to the conversation, don’t just say “great post!”

Wait, this isn’t networking

“But Leaf, this isn’t networking. This is like… meeting people, getting to know them.”

Exactly.

When people say “networking,” often the first thing that comes to mind is “schmoozing” with people you hardly know. You’re not talking to them because you actually care. You want them to do something for you (like help you find a new job). Or they want you to do something for them, and you haven’t yet escaped.

Of course you don’t want to do that. It feels bad for a reason! It’s icky! Don’t do it!

So forget about networking. Put yourself in situations where you are likely to cross paths with other interesting people. Talk to them, find out what’s on their minds, what their goals are, what’s important to them.

You don’t have to talk to a lot of them. Meeting one or two people who you keep in touch with beats meeting a dozen people who you’ll never encounter again.

Not everyone you meet will click with you, and that’s okay. Don’t take it personally. Maybe they’re having a bad day, are tired or distracted, or had only celery and baked goods for dinner and don’t feel so good. No need to take the disinterest of strangers as feedback for you. (If you want feedback, ask a trusted friend.)

Allow people who do seem to respond well to also see a little of who you are and what’s important to you.

And if you have people who you crossed paths with before and you would like to stay connected, reach out now and then. Send a note, “hey, this article reminded me of you,” or “I was just thinking about our conversation, how is your project going?”

Feel free to send me a note too 🙂